There's No Turning Back Now

Monday, July 25, 2011 – 3:42 PM

Part of me is beginning to worry. What I’ve gotten myself into is beginning to crystalize and I am now aware, or more aware than I had been, of the challenge I am facing, of what my next two years will look like. At 3:42 PM on a Monday afternoon, sitting in on another literacy session, up for 11 hours, there is a certain part of me that thinks – why the hell did I choose to leave Denver with its beautiful weather? What in the world made me decide to walk away from a lucrative consulting career that had promise? Why did I abandon the comforts of a relaxed, mountain lifestyle to move to this gargantuan city, to assume one of the most difficult vocations in the world, to challenge myself to this degree? Honestly, sometimes I think of these past 2 months as an absurd experiment, that is more of a dream than a reality. But time keeps passing, I keep breathing, and the sequence of events is unchanging – I am here. This is my new life. There’s no turning back now.

Today actually went well, or as well as it could have gone. I led a brand new classroom of 15 students and they followed along for the reading lesson. Writing is where it goes to shit. I struggle incredibly with developing strong writing lessons. To me, there are only so many ways you can describe a thesis statement, topic sentence, supporting detail, concluding sentence, etc. before I feel like I’ve bored myself blind. Maybe that is part of the problem. Also, the kids cannot write unless you prod and prompt them –“What does your mom do that shows she is caring? What are some actions she takes? What are the impacts of those actions?” Maybe I’d like it if I could teach creative writing, or poetry, but essays on the character traits someone needs to have a positive impact on the world? Not the most exciting lesson plan to date. I’ll have to rethink it and come back at it again tomorrow.

If my students who failed their New York English Language Arts test in the spring don’t pass it next week (they will be taking it for the second time), they will have their summer school portfolios evaluated to determine if they can pass and go to 8th grade. In all honesty, the quality of their work, for the most part, hardly makes a strong case for their grade continuation. It’s a bummer, but I’m still working my absolute hardest to make it a reality for them – if at all possible.

I think part of what I am feeling is just a deep disappointment in “the system”. Now that I can put a face with some of the failures of this “system” I’m frustrated and overwhelmed; what can I, one capable man with uncertain ambition and far too little free time do to change the state of things? Will anything I do in the next 2 years and beyond really help? What does it matter? Why don’t I just get an easy job, working in a restaurant on the beach for instance, and live my life in peace? I’m sure I’d make a friendly waiter.

I guess it's because that isn’t me. I have bolder expectations for life than sand between my toes and cold cocktails at sunset. I’ve chosen this challenge because, idealistic as it may be, I think I can change the world. Whatever those character traits are, I think I have them.

At the end of class today I saw one of my old students (as of last week), Ibrahim, and he stopped before entering the stairwell. “Awe snap – Mr. Williams. We missed ya today. Class just isn’t as much fun without you!” That was it; a handshake, then he walked off. Last Thursday, my last day of class, Ibrahim didn’t say anything in particular to indicate his appreciation of my presence as his instructor. He kept that a secret. Then today, probably completely oblivious to the impact of his comments, he refreshed my sense of purpose and showed me an amazing level of respect and admiration. That’s the sappy stuff that I think keeps people in these meaningful positions. It doesn’t make me less tired, it doesn’t make me a dollar richer, but if a heart could breathe, mine would be breathing more freely today, following that 10-second conversation.

Wish me luck tonight. It’s getting close to 5 PM on Monday evening and I’m staring again at the eye of the storm. Work, work, work – hoping like hell that my kids come prepared tomorrow with their introductions and body paragraphs complete, wishing without reason that they will learn something, somehow from a 4 week “veteran” teacher, praying they will go on to do great things and find value in their educations.

Call to Action (an essential element of any well-written conclusion) – Read a chapter of a book and savor it. Not everyone has the ability to do so and it really is a privilege to have that set of skills. Learn something new. Help someone else. Keep reading my blog.

Love and letters, 

Josh