Exhaustion

It is mid-year; I just completed a survey for TFA, letting them know how I'm doing and if I've got as much pride and inspiration in the educational equity movement as I had in June of 2011. I think I do, but I'm worn out a bit, and I can't pretend that every day is an absolute joy.

Graduate school is starting up again after a wonderful, few-week break. I'm taking two classes, one online course that is centered around Special Education, and another about Developing Adolescent Literacy English, that starts up on Thursday. Deep breath, smile, keep calm and carry on. 

I look back at some of my earlier postings this month, and feel like I've written a bit self-righteously. I sometimes see my own reflections as arrogant and assuming; I write like I have the answer, like I'm telling people to listen to their hearts and self-actualize, and that it is so easy to do so. Or I criticize wealth and the fruitless pursuit of pleasure. 

Let me take a few steps back - I usually have no idea what I'm talking about. I like to make public my musings, but as frequently as I feel compelled with fervor for my cause, I am just as often despondent and worn down - dejected and alone. Maybe I am biased to publish my thoughts on good nights, because it provides me with encouragement when I look back. Know this - it is not always good. I feel like my kids aren't making as much progress as I'd like them to - I feel like a failing teacher more often than not. My nightly anxiety rarely subsides, and every day I feel like I am in a frantic footrace to prepare for my few classes. 

I don't know - I hope this post isn't bumming you out - but you should at least see both sides of the coin. I am happy to be in New York, I am happy to be a component of a noble profession, I am endlessly giving thanks; but I'm tired. Three day weekends don't seem to fully recharge my batteries. Positive comments from colleagues don't always leave me feeling satisfied. When I open my eyes at 5:40 AM, I usually desperately want to keep them closed. 

But I cling to the notion that I'm not in this alone. I try to focus and accept that there is a learning curve here and my legs are just getting tired midway up the hill. And I find there is a very simple answer to the challenging question, "Why am I doing this?" The answer - Dayequan, Troy, Julie, Yiliann, Sahkeim, Charley, Rosie, Joshua, Stephanie and Tamara (among others). They need me to get better and to support them every day; they need me to not lose faith in my personal mission; they need me to smile and never forget the importance of hope and love -- and so I will, even though I am utterly exhausted.