Boston, Fear and Why Eleanor Roosevelt is Sexy

Sunday, August 14, 2011

It’s dusk now, soft drops of rain cascading down the large rectangular window to my right, blurring the taillights of each car we pass. It’s just now 7:30 PM and I am on the Fung Wah Bus returning from Boston, where I’ve spent the past few days visiting my cousin Adam.

A few things about the Fung Wah Bus. First, it is an incredible deal. For the low, low price of $15, the good people at Fung Wah will take you from the heart of New York City’s Chinatown to the heart of Boston’s similar community. For another $15, they’ll even bring you back. Although I had initially envisioned an open-air vessel jam packed with cheap farers, it’s actually a pretty nice ride and I find myself in relative comfort as I return home. The second thing I would mention about the Fung Wah bus is that if you sit in the far back row, where I currently find myself, your proximity to the bus bathroom makes you privy to some pretty funky smells. Also, if it so happens that you are seated next to a group of squawking teenage girls, said smells will be accompanied by outrageous, grossed-out laughter and chatter. Like I said, relative comfort.

I must admit that I was truly impressed with the town of Cambridge, university of Harvard and city of Boston. Friday night I arrived to a dinner party at my cousin Adam’s place. (Adam is beginning a master’s program at Harvard for teaching leadership and at the end of the year will be qualified to be a principal.) It was a great chance to see him and meet some of his new colleagues, many of which were (surprise, surprise) TFA alumni. Although I had initially hoped to get away from all things TFA (just for the weekend), it was actually great eating and drinking with a host of past corps members, and discussing their experiences with them.

Saturday, Adam and I travelled by foot, bike and rail all over the city. After initially exploring the town of Cambridge, we wandered into Harvard Yard and entered the library, which feels more like a museum or national monument than place of study. I told Adam during the day that I loved his school, but it intimidates me. Perhaps it’s the buildings that outdate the declaration of independence, or possibly the well-manicured lawns and signs prohibiting passage over them, but I feel that Harvard has an air of austerity that didn’t resonate with my goofy demeanor. Still, a beautiful and prestigious university to attend; I’m sure I will return soon.

In the afternoon, we took the Red Line into the downtown area and perused the Freedom Trail; a well marked path that escorts countless tourists to the city’s most famous historical landmarks. After oo’ing and ah’ing a bit (we were actually a bit worn out from the evening prior) we continued into a festival in the North End of town, a heavily Italian neighborhood. After filling up on sausage and a rice ball with meat sauce,  we watched a terrible R&B group entertain a lone observer (see photo), and made our way back to his well-kept, spacious studio apartment.

Sunday we took a bike ride up the river and into Roxbury, a low-income neighborhood in which my parents began their pastoral careers and where Adam will have his principal internship this year. Dismissing it as “soft” relative to the Brooklyn neighborhood in which I currently reside (joking), I called it a day and boarded the Fung Wah.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sorry I sort of glossed over the events of this weekend. Sometimes I struggle with the purpose of this blog. Am I only giving you, my loyal audience of at least 2 readers (I have 2 confirmed!), an overview of my day-to-day experiences, and if so, why the hell should you care? Truthfully, you probably don’t, as I don’t expect that the various goings-on in my life are much more exciting than your own. That said, I also don’t fancy myself a philosopher, or esteemed writer, with deep insights that I must share with you on a regular basis. What then do we have? What then is the purpose of these pieces of writing that I am not-so-carefully composing?

I suppose I want this blog to be a way for me to communicate with the world. Not just those that know me, but those that don’t – maybe those who will find this blog long after I am gone and say, “Oh, this is the voice of Josh Williams. He existed. He experienced. He thought. He was.” That sounds a bit vainglorious, like someone who uses the word vainglorious and then comments on it in the same sentence, but I guess that’s what I am sometimes. I want my thoughts and existence to matter because I believe they do. Anyway, if you are still reading, here is the big idea I have struggled with most recently and why I think Eleanor Roosevelt is hot.

I am afraid. I’ve mentioned it quite a few times I think. I stand on the pivot point of a teeter-totter that moves from excitement and perceived fulfillment to outright fear. I feel like I cannot keep these emotions at equilibrium, like the centre cannot hold, like I may be setting myself up for a failure. Honestly, I’ve really, really been struggling with this. I experience anxiety in dreams, in wandering thoughts and inaction. I want to bring myself to begin the extensive planning that is required of me to be an excellent teacher, but I’ve put it off more than once, because I am afraid. But simply by writing this, I am attempting to conquer that fear, because I know that it is nothing but an obstacle I must overcome.

In my past, I can think of two similar experiences in which I was truly afraid, and felt like I lacked the confidence needed to excel. When I began my presidency with Lambda Chi Alpha, and when I began my career with Aon Consulting, I was constantly worrying that I was going to F up and either ruin the fraternity or get fired from my job. You’re probably reading this and thinking to yourself, “Josh, those are some really irrational fears.” I never claimed they were rational, but it is how I felt. And in both instances, I managed to do an excellent job and contribute to the betterment of each organization. So why again do I find myself afraid? Why don’t I believe in myself as much as I should?

(This is where I provide my deep reflection and investigate the source of my woes and attempt to make them applicable to humanity. I will also clue you into why I think Eleanor Roosevelt is hot.)

It is because this is a new challenge for me. It is a huge challenge. I have never really taught before, aside from these past few weeks of TFA’s Summer Institute, and I want to do an excellent job as a teacher. I am entering into a year in which, every single Teach for America alumni and experienced teacher has told me, will be one of the most challenging experiences of my life. As my friend Ted, who is a fan of double negatives might say, that does not not worry me. I am nervous. I am not looking forward to the inevitable struggle. But… and there is a “but”… but, I am not backing down.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “We gain strength, and confidence by each experience in which we really look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.”

That is why she is sexy. Any woman with that much confidence and understanding is absolutely gorgeous to me. And she is 100% right. The experience which I am about to go through, nay, what I am currently going through, is one in which I am afraid. But regardless of my fear, if I choose to act, to continue on this path and give it my everything regardless of my uncertainty of self, I will grow as a person and come out on the other end stronger than I am today, and hopefully, a pretty good educator.

Edmund Burke, an Irish stateman of the 18^th century once remarked, “No passion so effectively robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” And so, in honor of Ms. Roosevelt and Mr. Burke, I proclaim via this here blog that I exist, that I matter, and that I will not be afraid.

I’ve got classroom planning to do.

Josh

Quote of the Day: I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. – Pablo Picasso