October and the Garbage Feeling Sandwich
Happy October. Today sucked. It was one of those terrible, horrible, no good, "I suck at teaching" days. The lesson was on procedures and most of it was teacher driven. 80 percent delivering facts and information, 15 percent correcting students, 5 percent student engagement, 100 percent exhausting. Academic Literacy, my last period of a the day, was a flop and I am filled with feelings of failure. Oh yeah, I spoke with my new MTLD (TFA Manager) - in our first conversation, the pessimistic side of me feels she essentially dissected the aimlessness of the lesson she witnessed and asked "WTF?" - my reputation precedes me and she was expecting more. Good Lord I am trying. I'm gonna send her lesson plans moving forward. What crushing anxiety - what great distress this is.
STRUGGLE. Every step of the way. STRUGGLE. Questioning yourself, do I know ANYTHING about teaching? Who do I think I am? I'm certainly not capable of leading these students.
Fear inventory.
My colleague thinks I'm a shitty teacher.
I am a shitty teacher.
All of my kids will fail their state tests.
My school will shut down.
I will be fired.
I will be kicked out of TFA.
I will be struggling for the entire year.
(Ridiculous thoughts, these).
Okay - is that enough? Can you wrap some perspective around this garbage feeling sandwich now, son?
1) You've been tossed into a new teaching scenario in which THE OLD TEACHER, an international teacher with a master's degree from Columbia's Teachers College QUIT because it was TOO CHALLENGING. Also, today was your first day and you're trying your best to make do.
2) You put more pressure on yourself than anyone else. The intrinsic desire to succeed and have your shit together is so powerful that it stresses you the F out.
3) You have a wonderful, beautiful, loving girlfriend. You have a supporting, caring family. You have the most incredible friends in the world. You eat 3 meals a day and sleep in a queen sized bed at night. You are safe. You live in New York City. Regardless of how crappy this week is, you're flying to Chicago on Friday.
4) It's a nice night, you just gave 50 cents to a homeless man who has more struggles than you, you are free to do what you want, you choose this life.
5) God is good - all the time. Worrying will not add one minute to your life.
Here's to perspective. Here's to the healing power of inter-borough Blackberry musings.
Thanks for listening.
Josh
--
Sent from my mobile device
STRUGGLE. Every step of the way. STRUGGLE. Questioning yourself, do I know ANYTHING about teaching? Who do I think I am? I'm certainly not capable of leading these students.
Fear inventory.
My colleague thinks I'm a shitty teacher.
I am a shitty teacher.
All of my kids will fail their state tests.
My school will shut down.
I will be fired.
I will be kicked out of TFA.
I will be struggling for the entire year.
(Ridiculous thoughts, these).
Okay - is that enough? Can you wrap some perspective around this garbage feeling sandwich now, son?
1) You've been tossed into a new teaching scenario in which THE OLD TEACHER, an international teacher with a master's degree from Columbia's Teachers College QUIT because it was TOO CHALLENGING. Also, today was your first day and you're trying your best to make do.
2) You put more pressure on yourself than anyone else. The intrinsic desire to succeed and have your shit together is so powerful that it stresses you the F out.
3) You have a wonderful, beautiful, loving girlfriend. You have a supporting, caring family. You have the most incredible friends in the world. You eat 3 meals a day and sleep in a queen sized bed at night. You are safe. You live in New York City. Regardless of how crappy this week is, you're flying to Chicago on Friday.
4) It's a nice night, you just gave 50 cents to a homeless man who has more struggles than you, you are free to do what you want, you choose this life.
5) God is good - all the time. Worrying will not add one minute to your life.
Here's to perspective. Here's to the healing power of inter-borough Blackberry musings.
Thanks for listening.
Josh
--
Sent from my mobile device
 |
| My Blackberry Bold and a subway ride can help process the most troublesome days. |
Comments