Takeoffs and Landings
Takeoffs
Written on Delta Flight 3201 en route to Chicago, November 23rd, 2011
These blackberry thoughts are beginning to fill memory cards - the pace at which I mash these keys can at times overpower the processing speed of my mobile device, and I am left with skewed thoughts and letters, frustrated pauses. I think that may be analogous to my life at present - I am moving a mile a minute, taking on an endless array of challenges, and at times I feel I am moving too fast to focus. My sense of clarity becomes smeared like the periphery of a racing car. Often I feel the need to force myself to stop and reflect, for fear that I will get lost in the chaos, drown in the activity, drift with a momentous current. I'm sure it will be years before I can process it all, if ever.
I am hours from Thanksgiving, and as the half cynical half wise teacher-ism goes, now I may smile. This past week was both wonderful and inspiring, yet defeating and despondent. Yes, these are the emotional hills and valleys that a teacher might encounter in a given week, day, or hour. I will start with the good. Three of my best friends from growing up - Billy, Pete and Amit - visited me this past weekend. We did what we always do when we get together - we had a terrific time, moving from hilarious moments to nostalgic memories like the frames of a film. It was great to see them, but suddenly, on the final night of their visit I became desperately unhappy. As I went to bed Sunday night, my friends on the other side of a wall, I was crippled with anxiety and loneliness. We
had such a good time, and now they were heading back, leaving me alone again on this anonymous island. I felt unprepared for the week and set up to fail. I asked questions of myself - Why I am doing this? Why am I here? Why stay so far from home? I am still grasping for the answers to those questions.
I am hours from Thanksgiving, and as the half cynical half wise teacher-ism goes, now I may smile. This past week was both wonderful and inspiring, yet defeating and despondent. Yes, these are the emotional hills and valleys that a teacher might encounter in a given week, day, or hour. I will start with the good. Three of my best friends from growing up - Billy, Pete and Amit - visited me this past weekend. We did what we always do when we get together - we had a terrific time, moving from hilarious moments to nostalgic memories like the frames of a film. It was great to see them, but suddenly, on the final night of their visit I became desperately unhappy. As I went to bed Sunday night, my friends on the other side of a wall, I was crippled with anxiety and loneliness. We
had such a good time, and now they were heading back, leaving me alone again on this anonymous island. I felt unprepared for the week and set up to fail. I asked questions of myself - Why I am doing this? Why am I here? Why stay so far from home? I am still grasping for the answers to those questions.
Landings
Written at O’hare Airport prior to the return to New York City, November 26th, 2011
It’s about as gray, rainy and bleak outside as Midwest weather allows; I am at O’hare Airport, waiting for my plane to New York City to load. A few days ago, on my flight to Chicago, I wrote of my struggles – the frantic and unceasing pace at which my life is being lived – the natural loneliness I’m finding in a new city, miles from my family and best friends. I still feel those things. I am still overwhelmed with the week ahead and the tasks at hand. But I am also encouraged. Each interaction with the people I love at home has gone something like this-
“It’s really hard. I’m struggling, but getting through it,” I say.
“Well,” they respond, “We’re proud of you. We’re rooting for you. We will always be here for you.”
No one has said those words exactly, but I have gathered their meaning in many ways. I am blessed to have such a firm foundation – such a full cheering section. I am grateful for that, but it is always bittersweet to leave. I wonder why I have to leave at all. I still don’t have an answer there, but I am reminded of the Steve Jobs quote;
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, Karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
I am searching for something. I am convinced it is something or someone I love, but what or who I do not yet know. I will tell you this; I was called to be here.
On January 19th, 2011, I had a moment of revelation. I lay awake in bed, agonizing over my unfulfilling career and grasping for an elusive sense of purpose. It took me a few hours, but I came to an inspiring idea; What if I were a teacher? What if I got to spend every day with kids discussing reading and life? What if the reason I went to work every day wasn’t to help big companies spend money intelligently, but what if the reason I went to work every day was to help people? What if my job were to inspire people and empower them? This – I thought – this would be a great and wonderful thing. I looked up Teach for America online – an organization that had denied my original application in 2008. I was over any bitterness and was simply determined to get in this time around. What ensued after that January night was one of the most challenging and life altering years of my young life, and it is not over yet.
Yes - I am searching for something, and like anything that is worth finding, or anything great worth doing, it is a challenge. I am experiencing the pains of that challenge – the suffering that accompanies human growth. But I am blessed in that I have a family that loves me, friends to root for me, and new colleagues and relationships in New York that support me.
I am smiling because I have made it through Thanksgiving – and hard as it may be – I am ready for what is to follow.
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